Day 104: They tend to leech you away from your parents

Last working day of the semester and I have more glee than sadness. This semester has taken a huge toll on my emotions and my general sanity of mind, questioning my principles and the will to stick around through every bit of the way.  I’m grateful that with the exams, this will be all done. And that will leave me with just one more semester to go.

SilverGhoster

The last month or so has been a fun learning time, with all due thanks to the SilverGhoster. His 4 wheel drive accords him that name; the alternative that he picked for his ride was ‘Doll’. Haha! Anyway, it’s been chitter-chatter about the education scene in the country, some traditional views that run schools, cars and gals, and general love trouble.

Over lunch and tea, we got talking about his big checklist for the prospectives. Can’t blame the man for having one; I’ve been there, striking items off with each passing year. I’d like to mention a few here, not with the intention of outing the man’s super-secretive list, but to remember the discussion that followed each.

• The girl has to be from Bangalore.
  • Why so? Well, there’s a friend of a family of a friend of the family, who got married to someone from UP. And when the mother of a friend asked about the friend of a family of the friend’s wife, she made a face when he said UP.
• The girl has to have a younger brother.
  • Why younger? Older brothers tend to be overprotective, you know. And now you have a father and a mother and a brother to worry every time you make a move. And younger brothers can easily be brought in line, no?
  • Why not a sister? Younger or older? Well, a girl will eventually leave the house and the parents will have noone to take care of them anyway. Which means, the in-laws are around a lot, or the wife is gone a lot.
  • Why the whole hassle or siblings? Why not get a single child? Oh! We’ve seen a few of those and their long tentacles. They are too attached to their parents and are always trying to make the man leave his parents and live separately.
• The girl had to love dogs.
  • Why? Who am I kidding? This one’s a no-brainer.

What caught me off was not just the patriarchy oozing from those demands, but also the naivete of not seeing through the stereotypes. Every time I prodded the discussion, questioning the idea, it all stopped at the societal norms and expectations, and him just being a regular man trying to meet those demands. While a lot of thought had gone into understanding why he needed a girl remotely interested in cars, the others had just gotten added with each societal eyebrow that raised around him.

Well, has he ever thought of how a girl would feel when she heard that her main intention was to ‘leech’ him away from his parents? Umm no. Does he know that research proves that daughters tend to take full custody of their aging parents while sons prefer to resort to hospicecare facilities? Oh, really? Why is it OK to expect a girl to leave her parents, her social circles, and fit right into the husband’s, while the reverse is unimaginable? Hmm valid thought.

I think we need to have more such over-the-coffee conversations with boys in this country. A number of these smart, intelligent, young men are simply looking for a spark to get them thinking. All they are missing is someone to tell them that the other side has a point of view too.

I’m not going to pat myself in the back and claim to have lit a spark. I would consider my karma done if that man at least started thinking on these lines.

“While you’re busy lighting sparks, can you also feed me some mummum, please? I know it’s right here and I just have to lick it. But it feels like a lazy day. 

Pretty please?” Scotch 

Day 52: Periods and men

The proposed Period Leave for women has got a bunch of fun friends chatting vigorously on the topic. We all seem to agree on what a narrow-visioned and short-sighted plan that is. But what impressed me the most was the men on the group discussing the topic and some of their progressive views about the whole topic of menstruation.

They agreed that:

• A blanket period leave is almost patronizing to the point of sounding wrong
• It could result in more dispriviledge in the workplace than there is right now
• This doesn’t provide a way for a woman to take a leave during her day of the month without raising some eyebrows
• And what if the first day is not really the worst day of the period?
• This doesn’t really address the taboo associated with talking about the period in the workplace. In fact, it makes it a hushed break room conversation
• The plan clubs all women into one homogenous group that acts similarly and menstruates in the same fashion.

It was a refreshing feeling to hear the boys mock the regressive ads for sanitary pads these days.  ‘Every woman is compulsorly climbing mountains, wearing white linen on “those days”‘, he pointed aptly. Don’t believe me? https://youtu.be/3nhWUKDYsl4. We even got around to talking about tampons and how unpopular they are in India.

The country is reeling in stereotypes of numerous kinds and it takes a scientific conversation, based on objective facts, to fight regressive policies like the Period leave. It is when the society unites in its message that change truly comes about and some such taboos, like the ones surrounding periods and menstruation, will only be broken when even men join the conversation. I always admired my father being one amongst the few in my extended family to talk about these topics with a straight face. A medical interest, combined with the fact that he had three women in his life, ensured that he was prepared for such conversations. For a man from his generation, this was definitely a progressive step. A great example for more men of our times to speak up about these topics.

“You girls still have it easy. You should be a beautiful lass like me, be on your period and watch the drama unfold. 

And when I put on my finest dress, the boys love it. Period!” Scotch