Annoying music from the yonder years, that bites into my inner ears, plays for what seems to be a million years. I nervously clutch the hand piece to my ear, waiting for what lay ahead. As I watch the minutes tick by on the desk phone, beads of little sweat trickle down my forehead.
The other end: “ABC Corporation’s Customer Service. My name is Princess Wattanabee LoohaToonya. How may I assist you?”
Customer Service is our priority.
Me: “Hi. I’m an-equally-long-named-person. I am moving back to Yonderland the end of this month. So, I need you to cancel my account, please?”
Princess WLT: “Hello Ms. **** (tried really hard to mispronounce my overly simple name and succeeded). I can definitely assist you with that. Before I assist you with that, I will need your account information. Can you please give me your account number so that I can assist you?”
Me: “Sure. Here goes. 0-2-2-4-5-66-7-123-5-2-7-10485”
Princess WLT: “Thank You, Ms. #### (an even worse way pronunciation of my overly simple name). I can definitely assist you with that. Before I assist you, for security purposes, can you confirm your phone number?”
Me: “Sure. Here goes. 9-2-3 4-6-1 0093”
Princess WLT: “Thank You, Ms. !%&# (totally blew my mind with this one). I’ve confirmed that this is correct.
I am really close to assisting you. But before I assist you, I need you to confirm the last 4 digits of your SSN, your date of birth, the name of your first neighbor’s third cat and your address. This will make sure that I assist you in a secure manner.”
Me: “Really? Wasn’t the account number, the matching phone number and my overly simple name enough?”
Princess WLT: “For quality and training purposes, this call may be recorded or monitored and everything that you say will be held against you while we swing you upside down into a pot full of steaming hot lava”
Me: “Oh! Here goes.
My SSN is Flee-Flaai-Floo-Flum (Yes! My real SSN is Flee-Flaai-Floo-Flum).
My date of birth is most-awesome-month’s awesome-date in the summer of awesomest year.
My first neighbor did not have a third cat (Ha! Totally nailed the trick question).
My address is 007, Superman Dr, Boringville, RandomState.
Princess WLT: “I am sorry, Mr. @#!$ (I stopped listening at Mr.). I will not be able to assist you because we could not successfully confirm your identify. You did not mention the zip code of your address and that is a confirmation that you are an imposter. I will hang up now and go back to my knitting”