Day 114: You broke my heart, then I took my revenge 

Dodo’s trip to India happened and like every other instance, I was left with a milieu of conflicts in my mind. What sinister plot was the universe playing on me? Why bring in someone into your life, plan for you to share each other’s lives unlike any before, push you to think of the happily ever afters a little too soon, instill strange fears in the other enough to make him run away, commit you to the deepest and darkest dungeons from whence there was no return, provide you with a support system that left you stronger, point you to a life that would sustain without him, bless you with enough strength to live without him, only to bring him back? Bring him back not once, but twice all over.

The universe didn’t just bring him back, but covered him in so many wounds, blood oozing out of every gash, that it was difficult to not care. It seemed that the universe was now playing a silly joke on me, picking up someone that I cared for deeply, brandishing him in front of my face, before throwing him out to the mad rabid dogs to feed on him. And it taunts me for my inaction. It mocks me for reacting the exact same way that I had years back, many scars and wounds back. As he recounted his worrisome tales, I saw the anguish and pain in his eyes, and my mind immediately started its tally – how many of these were my doing?

I strongly believe that everybody walks into our lives to teach us something; to cater to our role as a lifelong learner. They are invariably the Most Knowledgeable Other from Vygotsky’s Social Interaction Theory. I’ve learnt about relationships, the goods and the bads, from Dodo. As have I about taking life easy and enjoying it. Through his persistence over the years I’ve learnt that some loves never die. He’s taught me to stare misfortune in the eye and attack it head on. He’s also taught me to take a stand in life and own up for every decision that one has taken. All through his inability to do so. He’s made me realize that it’s too easy to find escape routes from our decisions and go pick scapegoats to blame for what should have been our decisions. He did it eight years back, and he’s doing it right now.

I wonder what is the drive for the universe to bring him back. What new learning is in store for me through the this phase 2? So far, it has only brought along the ghosts of the past, has unearthed many skeletons hidden in both our closets and has caused the family to raise their guards all over again. Does it intend to only bring more pain?

Or is this one of those instances, where you’ve been brought into someone’s life simply to teach them something, and settle with the hurt in your heart?

You want my opinion? Take each day as it goes, sister. No point in digging too deep into the mud, when there may or may not be a bone under it. 

Move. On. Time will anyway tell you all it’s plans. Eventually.” Scotch 

Advertisements

Day 109: One can only hope 

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Noon. Brunch. Read, rest, relax. Snooze, Snooze, Snooze. Wake up, bathe, study. Realize all content is from Mumbai University distance program. Feel miserable about life’s choices. Crib to SilverGhoster. U came here for a reason. You’ll understand that sooner or later. Sniff, Awhh. Bake some yummy keto bread. Coconut flour over Almond. Back to study. Give up by 10. Off to sleep. Up at 3. Finish the rest. Listening in class pays off, always.

​Highlight of the day – Make it to the corner. There is always hope just around it. Even Pandora’s box was closed in time to prevent hope from escaping.

Study all you want. Sulk all you want. But why don’t you share that yummy goodness? I mean, something more than just a slice. What good did 1 slice do to anybody?” Scotch

Day 8: Of disappointments galore

The day, Monday, turned out to be a major overflow of disappointments.

Aussies

We have a team of teacher trainees from two universities in Australia visiting us for three weeks, and pairing up with our teachers for team teaching at their internship schools. A welcome session was arranged and it kicked off the day full of disappointing acts.

With some foresight, the head of the department had booked rooms for this event four months ago. Little did he know that the new batch of students would total 8. Even less likely in his mind was an MA admission of 14 students. This left the department short of about 45 seats at the reserved venue. And how did the gentleman solve this dilemma?

With utter callousness and randomness. He randomly let the first 25 students in each of the B. Ed classes in and asked the teachers to pick 5 MA students randomly out of the 14. That shows the worth that he holds to both the session and the students.

What caught my nerve more was the complete lack of voice amongst the other teachers. Agreed that it is a pitiful situation to have such a leader. But I believe it’s more pitiful to sit tight and do nothing.

For all the ill will that the random selection process churned in my head, the welcome session turned out to be a bummer. It seemed like a dinner date between the Aussies and the leadership team, where a few 50 third-wheels were invited in to watch how the dinner unfolded.

Awkward!

Lunch with the juniors

The day of upsets continued with the lunch session with the juniors. While they all generally showed a keen interest in the field and knew what they wanted at the end of the degree, it seemed to prick none of them that they were sitting along with the B. ED class, a bunch that is historically known to be at a much lower learning acumen.

Again the pitiful state where nobody likes status quo, but nobody wants to question it either.

Worse still, they have been split up in all the upcoming events because one loud mouthed MA would rather mingle with the B. Eds than these folks. And the lot let her bully them into her decision too. She had the nerve to not even show up for our lunch meet.

It’s funny how this bully loner spoke to me extensively about having been a student rep in her previous institution and her being very keen in joining the student council here. How likely is she to lead a team of 20000 students, when she can’t successfully work with 13 others?

Internship presentation

The deal of disheartenment was sealed by my final intern presentation. It was attended by four people, two out of which slept through the whole session and the other two had clearly zoned out. For all the effort that I put in over the summer and into this presentation, the session seemed extremely underwhelming.

Today, I feel extremely dispirited for having picked this college to pursue this course. I wouldn’t blame the year when I joined, with two other disinterested folks, because I look at the current batch and realize I wouldn’t have been pleased there for sure. At least with a class of three, we are still the Masters program, and we can direct the level and flow of our classes. In their batch, I would have had to do most of my studying myself. In which case, why bother joining a full time program to begin with!

I am reminded of the company over the summer, and the quality of conversations we had during casual chats and dinners. There was an abundance of gossip about Bollywood and the insensitivity of men in modern relationships. But there was an equal melee of productive conversation about education, about moving the system forward, about questioning the system that doesn’t work, and about making our voices heard.

Did I do a mistake my not joining TISS? Should I have waited a year and joined TISS, simply for the network and the quality of conversations it would have given me? After all, learning is beyond the four walls of the classroom and the two end pages of a book. Right?

Us dogs have a policy, S. When we see any situation, if we can’t eat it or play with it, we just pee on it and walk away. How about that?” Scotch 

Either that, or you could sleep like a worm. It helps!